The shortest war in history
by Aperion
Summary: The great war between the good and evil is finally sorted out, and a few other things are too.


**The Shortest War in History- _Deal with It!_**

The lake in the grounds of Hogwarts was more peaceful then usual, the squid that been cooked by the elves last fortnight. As it transpired no one cared about the squid, so no one did anything.

Two figures in dark robes approached the embankment. One's face was covered with a mask, depicting the face of a skull with a hood covering the rest of his head.

The other figure would have been better off with the mask; he was pale and certainly less attractive then other people. They were the dark lord Voldermort (the ugly one) and one of his most loyal Deatheaters.

You might ask how one **eats death**, but that is a story for another day, requiring large amount of fire whisky and a more lenient website for the details to be made public.

The two stared at the school, shielding their eyes from the unnatural bright British sun. Their well practiced evil laughs echoed though the school grounds.

'Now be careful' Voldermort chuckled 'We must not give away our position with maniacal laughing. We must be prepared'

The death eater simply nodded, before being ordered to scout ahead. He climbed the nearest tree, some ten feet away, to get a better look.

'Well, what do you see?' A short pause followed before

'Not much, Dude'

'Well I don't like it'. Voldermort began to sulk, he wasn't use to be in the sunlight. He was far happier in some dark dungeon away from everyone else. This fact did make him wonder why he felt the need to conquer the planet.

These thoughts had been coming to him more frequently in the passing months.

'Well I don't like it' He grumbled to himself 'It's far too quiet'

At that moment the shout of "REDUCTO!" echoed thought the area. A red shot of lightning came from just off screen, knocking the death eater out of the tree. He landed on the ground a smoking corpse.

'Now it's too loud' moaned Voldermort, still talking to himself 'I preferred it when it was quiet'

The cast had originated from a group of three people consisting of (in rank order) Harry, Hermione, Ron's imaginary friend and Ron.

Harry had his wand aimed at Voldermort with his two sidekicks behind him. The tip of his wand was still smoking form the shot.

'Alright now hold it there.' Called Harry, putting on his best **'boy who lived and hopes to continue to live'** voice.

'That was a warning shot try anything funny and the next spell goes right through your head.'

Hermione looked at Harry with clear admiration 'you can hit him from here?'

Harry lowered his voice 'probably not, I was trying to hit him that time' He looked down at his phoenix feather wand 'I swear to god someone is screwing with this thing when I'm not looking.'

'I Knew It!' Screamed Voldermort, point an accusing finger at Harry 'This was all some elaborate plan to ambush me'

Hermione's shrill voice picked up 'I don't know is calling you and inviting you here really counts as a elaborate plan'

Harry decided to get back on track or things were never going to move forward. 'Listen up Voldie here's the deal; you and I are going to settle this whole thing right now.'

More maniacal laugher filled the air 'you fool, with my horocruxes I am completely immortal'

The laughter continued until Harry called out 'and I'm made of love and you cant kill me'

The laughter stopped and an eerie silence filled the void it left.

The pair decided to have a wizards duel to decide the outcome of the whole war. In the event of them, as expected, not being able to kill each other a three round game to rock-paper-scissors would be used to decide the victor. Both parties decided that this was the best option, it would get things over with quick, and spare the public another pointless potter movie.

They moved towered each other and cast their most deadly of magical forces. Voldermort unleashed the killing curse of Arvada Kadava. The resulting green smoke had the singular effect of causing Harry to sneeze.

Harry cast a barrage of powerful spells that would have had some effect if any of them had hit the target.

'You childish fool; no spell can defeat me for I am the greatest wizard in the wholeoww.' Voldermort was cut short as Harry swung a crow bar into the back of his head.

The dark lord fell to the ground and Harry continued to beat him to a bloodied pulp. Several censored minuets latter, stopped his assault. The crowbar was now bent at an odd angle and dents and blood covered it's service, Voldermort was in a similar condition.

With a final bloodied scream of 'LOVE CONQURES ALL!' Harry threw the body into the lake.

Ron continued to stair at Harry in complete shock 'Where the bloody hell did you get that crow bar?'

'Ohh this thing? I transfigured Hermione'

'You what?'

Well she wasn't doing anything so I thought 'what the hell?'

Ron's eyes stayed locked to the crowbar, his mouth remained agape.

'But it's bent!'

Harry's eyes slowly moved up towards the bar in his hand.

'does that mean Hermione's bent?'


End file.
